Confessions of an introvert

When I was growing up and well into my 30’s I was a severe introvert  . I didn’t have many friends as I was never one to go and strike up a conversion with someone new or even someone I’d seen before.  I had a few close  friends in school and when I say few I mean few. When we moved from our little home town of Smith to Ft. Mcmurray when I was in grade 5 the day I cleaned out my desk my little sister asked me “How come no one said goodbye?” I was embarrassed and said “They did yesterday.” The truth was I had never told anyone I was moving. My insecurity was there feeding me . Moving to a new place was torture for my young mind. A few weeks into the new school a girl who rode my bus asked me to sit with her. I turned her offer down and later went home to cry over my inability to connect. Over the years I did make a few friends but I was still that introvert and as a result got teased quite a bit in junior high.                                                 When I was in social situations with my husband I cannot tell you the unbearable anxiety that took over . I was thought of as stuck up , too good,a snob. That was further from the truth . I had opinions but I did not want to be looked down upon or ridiculed for them. My not finishing school played a part in it I thought . I felt as if I were somehow inferior .                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Around my 24th year I decided to become a day care worker. So I enrolled in the vocational centre for upgrading . Even then when the teacher would call upon me to read aloud something I wrote I’d shake my head informing her there was no way I was going to put myself out there on public display. I eventually realized that daycare was not for me. A few years later I finished school and was in a job training course when we were asked to do a presentation on ourselves and how we see ourselves. Mine was on masks, how I wore a mask to the outside world so nobody could see  who I truly was. We were also asked to go and talk to people in the line of work we wanted to get into. By this point I wanted to be a youth worker. I bought a matching suit jacket and skirt and off I went to talk to social workers and school counselor’s After one youth worker at a juvenile  facility said to me that the hardest part of her job was to give children back to abusive parents, I knew I could not work in that field.  All this interviewing  did manage to give me a bit of confidence that I needed and was able to get a job while awaiting entrance to college. But that did not take away my years of being afraid to express myself to others in a social situation.                                                                                                                                           When I had been a Christian for about six years , circumstances brought me to a new place in my life. And we started attending a new church. I remember the pastor asked me to pray for my youngest and I turned my back on the congregation and prayed. I wonder how God felt about that ? Shortly after, I was sitting in church when the pastor called upon the people to give a testimony of what God had been doing in their world. Sitting their I got that prompting  that wouldn’t leave me.My oldest had an experience that was life changing and perhaps one day with his permission I will share it. I still sat in my seat , not moving. Then our family friend came and said to my husband to share this and I knew , I knew it was my time to get up and share. I did and even though nerves were there like an old friend I got through it. Over time I was asked to pray and on Wednesday nights when that prompting came I never ignored it. There were other times that my silence and the prompting from God to say something were in conflict but God would win out.               I wish I could say I was no longer an introvert but old habits die hard and although I am not crippled with fear as I once was  it is still a bit awkward in some social situations but no longer am I gripped with overwhelming fear.                         I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

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